TimFreeland.com

The photos on the left and right are of my friend Todd Melgren taken in 2006 when he turned 30, I believe.  The middle is of the infamous outlaw Cole Younger taken in 1876 after the raid.  I'm trying to find a photo of Todd looking straight on, but I thinking the resemblance is uncanny.  Maybe it's not right on, but it will be when Todd is in his 50's.

Come on guys...you love the movie.  I can't explain it.  My wife asks why I think Caddy Shack is so cool.  I didn't like it when I was a little boy, but when I could understand the humor, I went crazy for it.  "What does that sign say?.....no bare feet.....What does THAT sign say......no fighting.....well, then, what does it mean....no fighting....you owe me one gum ball machine".  What a bunch of ridiculous lines.  But, they were timeless.  I took a screen shot of that sign and had it replicated.  Yes, it was copy-write whatever.  But, they sold like hot cakes on eBay.  Here's the screen shot and a photo of the tin sign that I had made. 

Oh, the agony of being left handed. I've spent my life fighting a prejudice toward left handed people. It was there in pre-school when my scissors didn't work, was there in college when I had to use "right handed" decks of cards and now, at work, where the standard keyboard and mouse are tailored for the righty.

Wait..deck of cards? That's right. Just to prove my point, I'll show you just how subtitle this discrimination is. Most people wouldn't even think something as simple as a deck of cards was made for right hand use, but just look at the pictures below and you'll see exactly what I mean. I'm not kidding. One can't read the card indices when fanned with the left hand.

Over the years, I have become accustom to picking out a lefty. I can see them a mile away. Why, well...because of that awful left handed writing hook. You've seen it, where we have to look all gimpy when writing. There's really no way around this if we want to see what we're writing. Ask a lefty if they get pen or pencil on the base of their hand. Actually, when erasable ink came out, my hand would be covered in ink.

Here is a list of items that are automatically made for the right hander, and not the left hander.

• Bowling balls
• Guns
• Fishing rods (now they come with inter-changeable reels)
• Guitars
• Most instruments
• Controls in the driver seat of a car.
• Can openers
• Mice (computer mouse)
• Scissors
• Playing cards
• Golf clubs
• Baseball gloves
• Most kitchen utensils
• Spiral bound notebooks and paper pads
• One could even say the standard clock is bias.

Funny story

About 10 years ago, Nerf came out with this aerodynamic football that had curves carved into it for a better spiral throw. Problem is, the curves were meant to assist the right handed hurler, not the lefty. I was at the lake with some friends who were throwing this around. I picked up the ball and went to riffle of my usual perfect spiral, but it died in the air like a lame duck. This is when I learned that left handed prejudice had been taken to a new low.

Left Handed Fascinating Facts (grabbed from some random website)

• Most left-handers draw figures facing to the right.
• There is a high tendency in twins for one to be left-handed
• Left-handers adjust more readily to seeing underwater.
• Left-handers excel particularly in tennis, baseball, swimming and fencing.
• Left-handers usually reach puberty 4 to 5 months after right-handers
• 4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed
• Left-handers are generally more intelligent, better looking, imaginative and multi-talented than right handers - based on discussions among lefty's.

Logistics 

I know it's a numbers and cost thing. Most people are right handed, so why produce something for a left hander. But, day in and day out, we need to constantly find ways to adapt to the right handed man's world. Sometimes, it even poses a safety concern. But, I'm proud to be left handed. It's like our own little everyday club. And, I will go on the records as saying that lefties are definitely different than the right. I can't nail down the specifics, but they say that the left side of the body is controlled by the right side of the brain. The right brain has certain artistic and creative lobes not found on the left. Left handers seem to be more creative, artistic and dynamic thinkers. We are also more quirky and socially slow. Lefties are also know to be good leaders. A majority of past presidents of the US are left handed, including Clinton, Bush Sr, Regan, Ford and Truman...and I'll just add Obama to the list right now. So, please let me know if you're a left hander and I'll add you to my comprehensive list of left handed people that I keep.

Finally

Check out this beer bottle label.  It's "Left Hand Brewing Company".  It captures BEER, LEFT HANDED and BLACK JACK.  Three of my very favorite things.

Story by VIV SAVAGE

Lester Stovold was just one year from retirement when I met with him to discuss his latest release of his course book "Clog With Me. Danish Clog Technique for the Advanced Beginner, Rev 2.4". Stovold had immersed himself in the art since he took up the study his freshman year at Iowa State, some 39 years ago.

"Not having a major and needing to fulfill 3 courses of art, I first took the class as a joke. I thought it would be a great way to meet chicks while getting a little exercise," Lester explained. "I had no idea I'd spend 39 friggin' years of my life wearing these, no-arch-supporting splinter machines."

He seemed light hearted at first about his freakish knowledge of the art, being able seamlessly rattle off 20 authentic Danish manufactures of clogs, 28 world renown masters, 17 clog dance style variations as well as his ability to shuffle of a jig that would put Danish clog star Bjorn Sir Branson to shame.

"Some people work this hard and are recognized on the street by the general public. All I get is an occasional cartoon rendition of me dancing in the nude on the walls of the guys bathroom stalls. This is a dying art it is actually kinda embarassing. What have I done," as Stovold looked down in disgust. "People will go to bars and do that <explicative> chicken dance while some lousy polka band comes off as rock stars. Those lousy Germans shouldn't have all the fun. Would it kill the college kids to try a little clog dance at their favorite watering hole now and then!"

I reminded Lester that he has spent seven years learning to make an authentic clog in Denmark. That he was the foremost authority on the art in the upper mid-west and most importantly beat the visiting Norwegian princess in a clog-off back in 2005.

Lester Stovold finished his interview saying "My book is boring, the dance is not graceful. The shoes are uncomfortable and I've wasted my entire life."

I'm sad to announce the Ronald is going through a series of chemo treatments and has lost his trademark hair. Ronald McDonald has been diagnosed with an incurable cancer, which will force all McDonalds to close their doors indefinitely. We're told that in addition to the hair loss, Ronald's skill will soon turn a yellow/orangish, human looking hue. It's been said that with a shaved head and normal looking skin, this clown will soon look like Michael Stipes of REM. Ronald can be viewed in his glass coffin at the Northfield McDonalds.

Honestly...I was at the Mc D's tonight getting my $1 new releases from the Red Box when I overhead some high school Mc D's employee's laughing at Ronald behind his glass display. They said that someone had taken his wig and dudes had been spotted around the high school all week wearing it. That's good humor. I'd hit that wig if it came my way.

Never noticed until now how big his collar is and just how freaky clowns are. Nice job with the lip stick Ron.

   DUNDAS - A little after 2pm yesterday plastic pellets and large stones were being hurled through Dundas streets.   It all started a few weeks ago when local resident Willie Mason saw a pack of suspicious racoon's scouting the corn in his sparrow feeders. 

"I seen them's creeping up and sniffin' around places they shouln't be sniffin," Willie explained.  "We could tells they were looking for food, whether it was in our trash or in our home made bird feeders.  Something didn't smell right."

Willie and his wife Zee prepared for battle.  Willie started to warn neighbors on Hester Street while Zee called to her friends on the Mill Preservation Society.  Willie had purchased an air pellet gun from Kmart in the early 80's and it was about to get it's first use.   

On Tuesday, around 2:13, a band of 3 masked racoon's approached Don's Corner Bar from the east on Railway Street while 2 approached from the west.  Entering the garbage corral in the back of the bar, the three robbers began their search for fried food left overs and peanut shells.  The other two racoon's kept guard in the street.  They were aggressive in their search, ripping through trash bags and trying to break into the mother load: the barrel of used fry-oil.  They were set on soaking up 45 gallons of pure deep-fry nirvana but could not get through the locked canister top. 

When taking a cigarette break on the opposite side, Don Cruise sensed something was wrong.  He heard wrastling and commotion coming from areas that shouldn't have coming.  When he made eye contact with the masked bandits, they began to flee.  He began to throw rocks.  Unable to make contact with any bandits, Willie came to the rescue, rattling off some 23 rounds of little plastic pellets.   Two 'coons were hit, twitching and running as they took in the sting. 

"Doubt we'll be seeing them around this block anytime soon," Willie gleamed, "and hopefully they won't try to mess with the citizens of Dundas' garbage anytime soon!"

  NORTHFIELD ­- A semi-official report on the driving skills of Northfield residents was released today by a local independent special-interest group. A group made up of three members of Hunt & Gun Club Local #301 say they have had enough. They are fed up with the inadequate driving skills of folks in this town and they are taking public awareness into their own hands.

“We set up in our lawn chairs on the corner of Woodley and Division two Saturday night’s in a row and started keeping tabs on stop violations,” said Bob Slingan. “Ernie kept a tick sheet of waver-on-er’s as he calls them, Brian kept track of those dead stops, where no one is willing to go first, and I just counted the farmer stops (rolling stops). We started around 8pm and kept going until the “Old Swill” was gone.”

The following day, when the headache were gone, they would tally up the ticks. To their surprise, 334 of the 375 drivers watched were unable to come to a complete stop and properly continue in the correct order, as stated by the state’s yielding laws. It is because of this, we have decided to assist them in educating the general public on what seems to be a misconceptions on driving law and etiquette. We hope getting out the word out through this simple top ten list will might have some trickle-down-effect as people slowly and gradually pick up on better methods of transportation over those crumbling roads we call home.

Top 10 Things to Remember When Driving in Northfield

1. When 4-way stopping, if your wheels stop rolling before another drivers, you go first. Feel free to post this one of your dash. Please, no more waving cars on.
2. Obey the speed limit. Third means 30, no less. 45 does not mean 41.
3. When a light turns yellow, try to make the light if possible. Slamming on the brakes to avoid being in the intersection when it turns red could cause an accident.
4. If you are old, please don’t drive.
5. If you have any doubt that you were first at a 4-way first stop, just go. No waving or just hesitation please.
6. Feel free to go slower if it’s icing out, not when it’s raining.
7. If you’re a slow driver, please don’t drive.
8. If you’re a senior in high school, write on your car windows and leave it on for a few years.
9. If your vehicle is crappy, just don’t drive it. It just looks tacky.
10. If you ever get caught in a wave-down at a 4-way stop, you know you’re a Northfielder.

It wasn’t his dream job, but it was close enough. Kyle Lambert first took the job because he considered himself a people-person with a lot of spirit.

“What other job do you get to stand outside to yell and wave at every single person for 10 hours”, Kyle said, “I don’t have a boss looking right over my shoulder, I would get a tan if it were summer and the fresh air is ok, when it’s above zero”.

This time of year, you’ll see them on many street corners waving down cars with a grin, barely missing a single opportunity to make eye contact and spread tax-time cheer. Yes, it’s an advertising ploy, but since this tax-prep service first began their marketing campaign in 2002, people have grown to see these creepy living statues as the "rite of tax time".

Larry Hrewinskiczek, a local pizza delivery driver travels past Kyle a few times an hour. “At first he was a little annoying. I mean, sometimes I just want to sit back and enjoy a smoke and some tunes on my way to deliver a 'za, but I started to feel like I needed to wave and smile back every time I pass. But then I found myself enjoying the interaction. Like I have a friend cheering me on as I drive. The statue guy actually knows my car now. Yesterday I did the “shave and a haircut” deal with my horn and he pumped his fist in response two times. I think I might have made a friend”.

Kyle has been picketing the highway four winter tax seasons now. He admits that it gets boring during the 5 morning hours, but drinks a lot of Dr. Peper and listens to his headphones to get him to evening rush. He considers himself a waving-veteran.

“I never miss a single car. My goal is to go home and tell my room mates about another perfect day. Sometimes you need to get both hands going to get drives in each direction. One time, there was a car hidden behind a passing semi. But, I got that driver in his rear view after passing. Close call! One time some high school kids tried to hit me with cans full of chew spit. They missed but I would have taken one for the country, so-to-speak” Kyle explained with enthusiasm. “The wind chills can be brutal. I’m out there in the coldest part of winter. There is little direct sunlight, the open roads don’t help the wind and my statue gown can get a little damp from road spray, but I sometimes start the day with 3 pairs of pants and remove them as I work up a sweat. It’s all part of the gig”.

These waving statues do work hard for their dollar. They certainly draw in attention and help generate business. And yes….those gowns, torches, flags and head band thingies are tax-deductible.

Stories I'm working on:

• Elderly Couple Confuse Primary Election Traffic for Bingo Night
• Study Show's 19.3% of Northfield Residents Unable to Properly Four Way Stop.
• Woodly Street Veteran Raises Money for Sixth Flag Pole in Front Yard.
• Bridge Square Popcorn Stand Haunted.
• Local Man Tries to Cope with Missing Scarlet Johannsen at Surprise Carleton Political Appearance.

As I drove home last night I noticed that many people still had their Christmas lights on. I found this to be odd. I took a detour and drove through every city street for a few hours to count up just how many people were "burning" up our natural resources at 3am on Feb. 2nd. I found that 35 homes were "burning" traditional multi-colored lights, while 17 "burned" white lights that might be considered a year-round decoration and exempt from the ordinance.

I asked myself, why would these people not turn off their lights shortly after the respective holiday. Do they have it out for our natural resources? Did they forget about them? Are they lazy? Or maybe just overly exited about Christmas.

Regardless, I believe sporadic light displays makes the city look tacky. I admit that I throw up a few strings of LED lights during the week of Christmas to join the lighting-collective, but it should be all for one, one for all.

I propose a city ordinance that would ban the "burning" of multi-colored Christmas lights after January 31st of each year. Violators would be mailed a warning letter giving them 7 days to remove. After that time, if not in compliance, a $300 fine would be issued.

All fines would be mailed directly to me.

Stories I'm working on:

• Elderly Couple Confuse Primary Election Traffic for Bingo Night
• Study Show's 19.3% of Northfield Residents Unable to Properly Four Way Stop.
• Woodly Street Veteran Raises Money for Sixth Flag Pole in Front Yard.
• Bridge Square Popcorn Stand Haunted.
• Local Man Tries to Cope with Missing Scarlet Johannsen at Surprise Carleton Political Appearance.